NICU Feelings

One of the many tests

The NICU is a scary place. One that makes anyone, no matter how many family and friends are around you, feel utterly alone. No matter when you have your baby, early, late, on your due date, any mother wants a healthy baby to be born. Of course while being pregnant you worry if something could happen to your unborn child. You do everything in your power to keep your baby healthy inside of you until they are ready to make their appearance into this world. Sometimes things come up that are beyond a mother's control. IUGR is a intrauterine growth restriction that causes a baby to be under the 10th percentile for gestational age. There are two types of IUGR. The first is where the baby's entire body and organs are small but in proportion to each other. The second is where a part of the body, typically the head and brain, are larger than the abdomen and limbs. I was considered the first, symmetrical IUGR.

Our room at the Children's Home

I tried my best to not worry about this or research it too much because you'll never know what you'll find on the internet. I was right to not research it early on. The only time I started to read about it was when it was first brought up at my 30th week of pregnancy. They wanted to monitor me several times a week to keep an eye on the baby. They said if he didn't start growing more that we'd have to induce by 34 weeks. There were a lot of risks to not induce including still birth. There were risks because Will was considered IUGR. First, being induced at 34 weeks meant he would be in the NICU. There could be issues of breathing because his lungs may not have been as developed as a full term baby. There could be issues with blood sugar, bleeding in the brain and heart issues.

Too many wires, but look mom, no feeding tube! 

Less and less wires everyday

I accepted the fact that Will would be early but I don't think I ever accepted the fact that I wouldn't be taking my baby home with me from the hospital. I thought maybe one or two days and he'd be good to go. When he was born at 3lbs 8oz and I saw how tiny he was it was really hard to believe. We got discharged on Thanksgiving day. The hardest thing to do in anyone's life is to leave your child behind and leave the hospital without him. To see your child hooked up to monitors and wires and beeps that go off when he stops breathing or his heart stops pumping is one of the most heart wrenching feelings in the world. If you were a NICU mom and you didn't believe in God you definitely did after having your child in the NICU. I believe in God. I'm a Catholic and I fully believe that everyone in my family who prayed for us and for Will is why he is such a strong littler fighter. We had 23 days in the NICU. Some may say that's not too long and other's may think it's a lifetime. For me it was plenty.

First Thanksgiving in the NICU

First time feeding him at three days old

That damn feeding tube, and a hat that was way too big but doesn't fit today at four months old! 

It was hard enough to leave my son when I was discharged but it was just as bad leaving everyday after that until we moved him to the Children's Home. At the Children's Home, I was able to stay with him so I didn't leave for approximately 14 days that he was there. I stayed every night except the night we moved him there and the night before he was discharged so I was able to pack and get things ready at home for him. My son was considered a feeder/grower. His only issues were to learn how to eat and grow. We are beyond grateful for this. Will could have had so many other issues, with breathing, his heart, his brain, but the only issue Will had to overcome was growing.

Just hanging out in the incubator

Clothes that are too big, but clothes none the less!
Getting to put clothes on your baby in the NICU is a HUGE step

His comfy pose in the incubator

You feel so hopeless just sitting there, watching and looking at your child, hooked up to monitors, just praying an alarm doesn't go off to set you back another week. The heartache that I feel thinking back on all of this is so overwhelming. The tears streaming down my face right now are just a tiny tear compared to the amount that I shed while looking at my son in the incubator with the feeding tube going through his nose. Not being able to hold your son for more than 10 minutes at a time twice a day. There are so many more feelings that I have and could share. For now this is enough. The hurt that I feel for other mom's still in the NICU with their children, is beyond words that I could type in a blog. Other parent's children's are far worse off than we were. Some children are still in the NICU fighting for their lives. Every middle of the night feeding, I wake up smiling because he is here with us. He woke me up. He is alive and breathing and he's home. For now, this is enough. I cherish every moment with him, good, bad, crying, laughing. I hug him tighter and tighter and yearn for the day that he'll hug me back. I kiss him all the time. I tell him how much I love him and how amazing he is. Every milestone is going to be such a celebration in our household. Will he roll over on time with his peers? Will he crawl on time with his peers? Will he stand up at all? Will he ever walk without assistance? All of these milestones are going to be celebrated with such happiness in our household no matter how small. And for now, this is enough.